ephemeral
by Carter Wade
Summary: not with a bang but a whimper


-noise was the first thing tyler registered. the absolute deafening roar of the crowd before him. he raised the microphone to his mouth and spoke a few words.

 _how we doing tonight?_

the crowd screamed back in response, and tyler smiled. it felt like his senses were heightened, he felt as if he could hear every individual heartbeat of every individual person in the crowd. he could feel their excitement coming off of them in waves. he glanced briefly over to josh, smiling wide. josh smiled back, just as happy. tyler felt energized, feeding off the crowd's enthusiasm, as the duo burst into their first song of the night.

the song ended almost as soon as it started, as it felt to tyler. the crowd was screaming somehow louder now than before. tyler laughed gently to himself, and went over to his piano, he sat down and placed the microphone in the stand. he played a few keys on the piano, feeling the soft ivory under his fingertips as he tried to regulate his racing heart. tyler played another note.

 _i want you to know something. whatever's bringing you down, whatever baggage you brought into this room, you can use this music and use this show to leave it here. this is your last chance to give everything you have. not to be too dramatic, but there's only two of us up here, we're doing our best. but all the things that we do up here, don't you ever forget that you guys own the show, okay? don't forget that. this is you and i, and josh, putting on a show for no one else. that doesn't matter, 'cause we're still gonna put on a show._

a pause. a few more notes.

 _do you feel that? that's a bunch of people in one room deciding it's worth it to stay alive for at least one day… it's music. you see, music can help things make sense one verse at a time. if you love music like me, sometimes you can't do anything but move. sometimes you can't do anything but jump. and if you want to jump with me, now's your chance._

he continued to play notes on the piano, thinking about what to say next.

 _don't give up. push through your droughts. channel the inevitable disappointment into your craft. break molds. think. create. and most importantly, stay alive._

he could hear someone scream from the depths of the basically silent crowd and smiled to himself slightly. he briefly met josh's eyes, and as if a message had been sent as they eased into the next piece.

song after song made their way from tyler and josh to the eager crowd in front of them. each lyric and shout and scream and beat penetrating the walls around them. seeping through the cracks in people's faces, in the ground, in the ceiling, making it's way out to the world. twisting and bending and shaping a different kind of light to kill the darkness that consumed and swallowed. telling people that there was someone out there that understood and that there was always hope. and that what was most important to tyler and josh. that their music kept people alive, gave them purpose.

and on the very last note of the very last song and as the very last lyric left both tyler and the crowd, and the lights faded to black, and the sounds of people leaving the arena silenced did tyler finally breath. the adrenaline quietly flowed out of his blood and his heart slowed. He made his way over to josh.

 _you did good tonight._

the nearly inaudible praise from the yellow-haired man reached tyler's ears as he approached his friend.

 _so did you._

josh scoffed lightly at the statement. tyler felt something ache in his chest at the sound.

 _i messed up a lot. i didn't do good._

tyler sighed and placed a hand on josh's arm. an attempt at comfort. tyler smiled a gentle smile.

 _that's okay. I barely noticed._

josh shrugged off tyler's hand and walked away, evidently not believing the words coming out of his friend's mouth. tyler watched him go dejectedly, the smile sliding off of his face. tyler sighed again as he turned away from where josh exited. he sat down on the edge of the stage, his legs dangling carelessly over the edge as he looked out to where the last evidence of their joy was being swept away, replaced by the cold abandonment of a clean building, ready for the next batch of joy to lighten its walls. tyler realized with a jolt it was a continuous cycle. he felt the familiar tingle in his hands at the thought.

with one final glance, tyler stood up, almost recklessly, and walked away from the stage. he vaguely knew the way from backstage to the tour bus but couldn't quite remember the path. he made his way through the maze of hallways in the venue, panic settling in his chest as he made his way deeper and deeper into the unknown. tyler didn't know where he was, making his way through the white-walled building he prayed that he would eventually stumble upon something he recognized.

eventually, voices filtered through the white walls. tyler saw the greens and blues and purples of words guiding him through the network of halls. he stepped into a room, the panic that was heavy on his chest gave away to the soft white of relief. mark looked up at tyler as he entered, he nodded slightly and turned back to the group of people talking in quick, frantic voices. tyler made his way out to the tour bus. he entered in a careful manner, seemingly a different person from when he was on the stage where colours were vibrant and everywhere. a constant.

but offstage, the world was significantly more gloomy. tyler made his way to the bunks in near silence. he didn't bother changing out of his stage clothes, not caring that they were stiff with sweat. he didn't realize the extent of his exhaustion until he mostly relaxed on the lumpy mattress of the small bunk. tyler closed his eyes and tried to focus on letting sleep take him.

despite his exhaustion, sleep never lead him away to unconsciousness. he opened his eyes and stared at the pitch black bunk above him which he knew held josh. tyler was fairly sure josh wasn't asleep either as tyler noticed the occasional hitch in his best friend's breathing. tyler lifted his hand and gently knocked on the top of his bunk and the bottom of josh's. something they had developed early on in their touring life, they'd do that if one person needed to talk about something or have someone be in their company. they rarely use it now.

shoving that thought aside, tyler heard a soft rustle and a thump that he assumed was josh dropped out of his bunk. he didn't hear him walk away. tyler pulled back the curtains covering his bunk, revealing the empty bunks across from him cast in the orange glow of the setting sun.

he pushed himself awkwardly out of the cramped bunk and stood up. he turned towards josh's bunk, not one hundred percent sure of what he was expecting to find, and found it empty. tyler shuffled out to the main area of the bus, and just as he expected josh sat on one of the couches and stared out the window at the techs loading their instruments and various other vital equipment onto the bus.

 _we should be helping them._

the yellow-haired man's voice floated through the air, barely shifting it at all. his voice always reminded tyler of sunlight. of warmth, peace and the promise of something greater. a comfort in the darkest of times. the sun always rose in the morning, no matter what. but this time it was different. his voice was a marbling black-blue. sad.

 _they don't like it when we help. they say we never do it properly anyways and they always end up fixing the mess we make. and plus, everyone is always telling us to 'keep rested'._

his feeble attempt at a joke brought a slight upward tilt to josh's lips. a success in tyler's eyes. josh looked away from the window and to tyler, his highlighter hair moving a little in the small gravitational shift.

 _what did you want to talk about?_

he asked, his dark eyes that were so much like the earth after it rained or sunlight filtering through a glass of whiskey, watched him. studied him. trying to find a reason for the late evening discussion. tyler shrugged, moving away from where he stood moments ago to sit on the couch opposite from his friend, acutely aware of the light red rimming the other man's eyes.

 _i don't know.. i just thought you might want some company.. you seemed kind of sad earlier._

it was josh's turn to shrug.

 _i'm fine tyler._

tyler watched him for a moment, disbelief pulling the sides of his mouth into a light frown. concern creasing the space between his eyebrows.

 _you know you can always talk to me, right?_

the yellow-haired man nodded and looked away. tyler felt his bones grow a little colder as josh's gaze left his. he wanted to say more to his friend, but he didn't push.

the air was suffocating, the silence deafening. a regular occurrence between the two, as it would seem. but the two sat there. possibly for hours. tyler heard the occasional burst of laughter from a crew member. but it was distorted, a sort of half cry sound. a result of the thick walls of the bus and the heaviness of the air inside of it.

in time, josh moved from the couch and moved to the back of the bus. tyler watched him in the orange-tinged darkness. a quiet sense of defeat seemed to settle itself inside of tyler. making a familiar home out of its host. and finally, tyler was alone. not with a bang but a whimper. and all he could hear was-


End file.
